December 15

Hi strangers!

So it started with a computer virus, that spread to my laptop and then a phone that refused to access the internet.  I now know what it would be like if the end of the world comes in the form of no technology!  On top of all of that, the new meds have made me so sick.  I'm not used to this. In the past, I've been able to take the medicine or go to chemo and still push through.  Not this time. It's like I've hit a brick wall. My body has said no more!

I'm having a really hard time with updating today. I'm sitting here, stairing at the computer screen thru tears.  I'm frustrated and I'm hurting. I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm so tired of being tired. I sleep all the time and wake up feeling like I've had no sleep at all.  I have a constant headache now that will not go away. It hurts so bad that I want to cry more but that of course makes the pain worse. My body feels as though I've run a marathon, my muscles are sore and tense, my back aches and my vision has changed.  It is hard just to make it thru the day. I'm trying to be my normal positive self but if I'm honest with you.. it's not working. I HATE being sick. I HATE not being able to play with my boys and do homework with them. I HATE missing work because I hurt to bad to get out of bed. And I HATE fighting with my husband because I can't take care of the things that I'm used to taking care of myself.  But more than anything... I freaking HATE CANCER and I hate that it picked me. AUGHHHHHHHH..... and I hate feeling sorry for myself.

Let's change the subject... so I have done some good in the midst of this over exaggerated pity party... we said goodbye to a very dear friend who died way to young at the age of 31. We were able to open our home up to his friends and family for the funeral.  We were able to help a young couple with baby items for their new little one. I was able to help a struggling couple find a nice apartment within their budget and get them moved in. I'm determined to get back on my days that count... doing something for someone else definitely helps take the focus off of me and my situation. Sometimes, praying for someone else in the middle of your own storm, helps your storm feel a little less like a hurricane and a little more like a spring shower. I know this "shower" isn't close to being over but I'd sure love to focus on something other than me for a few minutes. But, if it's not asking to much, I could use some prayers. Not just for healing but for my spirit because it has felt broken all week.

To Texas tomorrow... I'll be blogging from the airport.